I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
