I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
