Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Still dying that you shit outside
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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