i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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