I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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