If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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