the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
