bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
birth control should be required to get into college
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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