Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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