people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
