You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
