I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
