The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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