I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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