do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
