I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
