I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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