I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
