"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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