I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
