made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
