maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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