i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
