Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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