I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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