I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize