You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
