sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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