Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
