When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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