bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
