I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
