I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
