I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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