went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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