she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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