nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
