I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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