yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
