The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I can't turn off my feet"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
