The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We had to coat check the pizza.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
