you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
my liver is dry heaving
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize