I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
