My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
