I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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