I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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