Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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