Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
