It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
