Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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