I puked a lego.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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