so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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