it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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