He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
