sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize