where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
