You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
