and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
