My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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