you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
