She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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