apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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