All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
