I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
