Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
