did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
