stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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