Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All I want is dick and wine.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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