Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
